Now That's Impressive

The DOD wants ideas for the war on terrorism. Okay.

Right now we're trying to teach the Taliban that sponsoring or protecting terrorists is a no-no. But we're having a hard time because, frankly, they're tough little bastards. So what we need to do is convince them that fighting the US is completely different from their run-of-the-mill war.

Afghans are, at heart, a very medieval people. Does that describe every Afghan? No. But it describes 99% of the Taliban and their supporters. And they are the only ones who matter.

They have been fighting everyone and their brother for years now and, in case nobody has noticed this, they don't really seem all that fazed by fighting big-bad Uncle Sam. That is because we haven't done a thing to impress them. Drop bombs? "The Russians drop bombs. During the civil war both the Taliban and the forces of Massood drop many artillery." Rangers? "The Russians send their Speznaz. We fight them too." Poison gas? "The Russians they gas us." Mines? "Here, right here next to the pomegranate tree. See lump? Landmine."

But, because they are used to fighting at the drop of a hat and because they are a medieval people (well, all the ones that matter) we have to impress them. We have to make them go "Wow!" From Mullah Omar all the way down to the lowliest Taliban private they have to go: "Great Allah! What have we done???" Call it "psychological operations for Great War."

Now, at this point I usually start talking about MIRVs and piles of human skulls. (Done tastefully, of course; I'm not a barbarian.) But let's save that for when people aren't eating breakfast. Let's discuss unusual ways to really get their attention.

OPERATION INFINITE BRITNEY

Take and hold Kandahar airport. Fine. But don't send in follow-on waves of infantry. Just send in Britney with enough forces for positive security, laser hologram systems and speakers big enough to distort time and space. Do the full concert for a week (twice on Friday) until she's hoarse (God, a side benefit!) Anyone who turns over their weapons and comes in "hand hop", gets earplugs, a full concert up close, an autographed poster and a free trip to Diego Garcia for debriefing. (Well, okay, maybe not Diego, too cruel.)

By the end of the week they'd be surrendering in droves. "PLEASE ALLAH! GET HER TO STOP SINGING!*"

YOU WANT FOOD?

There have been many complaints from the Afghanis that they aren't getting the right kind of food in their humanitarian ration. Okay. They want wheat and beans. Okay. We hear you. Wheat and beans we got.

Take every single cargo aircraft that we have in inventory, borrow or rent all the Russians' and get them from anybody else who has ever bought a C-130. Load them with 50 lb. bags of wheat and beans. Then carpet bomb Kabul. You seen those houses? I've seen ‘em being built. Trust me, a 50 lb. sack of flour will got right through three floors. It'd be worse than a nuke. Call it "Operation Les Nessman".

We heard you. Here ya go. That'll teach ya to complain about our peanut butter!

PORT KANDAHAR

The last one is, arguably, the most impressive. Kandahar is in the southwest of Afghanistan and between Kandahar and the Indian Ocean is, trust me, a whole lot of nothing. Just salt desert filled with Baluchistanis. And nobody likes them . So.

Starting at the Indian Ocean in either Iran or Pakistan (makes no difference to me), drill holes for "underground nuclear testing." "We are just shifting our new underground nuclear testing regime to Baluchistan." Then, take large caliber nukes and drop them in all the holes (we've got a bunch of ‘em sitting in warheads and we're allied with the Russians so lets use ‘em.) Detonate.

Voila, you now have a deep, wide, canal running all the way to Kandahar. Admittedly, in the Kandahar area the sides are rather steep (feel free to use a few more nukes for adjustment), but I'm sure they'll be suitably impressed when we pull up a refurbished Iowa class battleship and start servicing some targets.

So there are three ideas suitable to impressing the Taliban. And they make great basis' for further threats. "Hand over Osama and Omar or we'll: bring over Alanis Morrissette/introduce you to the wonderful products of Del Monte/drive it through to Mazar-e-Sharif!"

And now we have a fun party game. "How to impress the Taliban." Just remember, they've done the human skulls route.

(*Okay, I have to admit it, I like Britney Spears. I'm aware, however, that that is not a universal.)