Dec 12

Written by: host
12/12/2006 12:00 AM

Hi, My Name Is John and... I'm a computer abuser!
(Sob!)

I know it's true. (Sniff) I use... abuse really, a laptop. I'm on it all the time, pounding away at the keyboard, pulling stuff in and out of USB slots, running games on it that it can't handle, installing aftermarket software designed by Bangladeshi rice farmers... And that doesn't even get to the part about leaving it outside all the time, using it in cold and heat and rain and while I'm eating... (I hate it when a piece of chicken wing gets stuck under the shift key and starts making it all sticky...) Sorry, did I say that?

So every now and again, purely for tax purposes you understand, I have to get a new computer. Not because, you know, the old one is issuing smoke. It's not! I got the fire put out and everything! No smokey!

But then...(gulp!) I've got to... get a new one set up.

You can imagine that I'm such a neat person. I keep all my software, of course. It's... in a box. Somewhere. Maybe in the apartment. Maybe in the basement. Maybe in storage. Maybe still in Commerce... Who knows? Oh! There's my printer CD with all the screamingly necessary drivers! Great! Now all I have to do is slip it in the CD drive and... Uh... Damn, can't use that, what would I do for a coaster? And lets just say that a year's worth of mocha stains and cigar ash add up...

This is a humorous intro to why I hate setting up a new computer. Lessee. Came pre-installed with Word and all that stuff. But... Okay, I've got to register. Thank you, yes I'll take that, no I won't take that. John Ringo ... Address... Phone Number... Mother's maiden name. Time to get my usual virus protector.... (BitDefender for those who are interested) John Ringo .... Address... Phone Number... Best Friend's name... Bank stuff... American express... GMail... All on a new keyboard that is oh so subtly differtn from teh last.
"-)

Sure, there's supposedly a "settings and transfer wizard." Ever used it? I generally like Microsoft's stuff for ease of use. "Settings and Transfer Apprentice" is closer to reality. "What are all these damned broomsticks?"

I've actually HAD the damned thing for three months and just didn't want to go through the hassle. It's been sitting, literally, under my bed. (Possibly lying, I'm not sure computers can sit in which case it wouldn't be literally. But surely they can lie. Damned knows this one does...)

But here I am on this grapping new computer. On which I'm going to have to either find my old dictionaries and laboriously transfer them or teach it words like grapping. (Which doesn't even make sense to my long-term readers because it's a swear word from a series that isn't out yet! Sorry. It's like saying "grok" in the 1950s.)

But the more I use it the better I get with it. I like that I can turn off the damned touchpad. My last one I couldn't. And it had this scrolly thing that was a royal pain in the gongoran. Every time you'd lean your right hand sideways, like to hit "h", the damned screen would start scrolling. This one, blessedly, does not do that. And the sound, now that I've got some MP3s loaded, is very nice. Much better than the last. On the other hand, when I do have to use the touchpad... Who was the sadistic bastard that came up with "variable scrolling"? I intend to track him down and kill him slowly. I'm thinking something involving red-ants, a nail through his gongoran and a can of Raid controlled through a "variable touch" touch-pad...

The real reason I set it up is just... odd. The other one is working as well as it has for the last six months. (Limpingly but functional.) It's more of a "tell it over a cigar at a con" story. Among other things, it involves a very cute blonde, a school project and a cellphone.
:-)

This is referred to as a teaser.
(Insert evil grin here.)




John

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